Bloomin' Divorce2

What if?

From: MistyRose1945

When faced with divorce, what if we pulled our focus inward in terms of what is wrong with us instead of crying from the hilltops that our mate hurt us?

What if we looked long and hard at what we did to get us into the situation instead of shredding the former mate?

What if instead of using words intended to emotionally wound, we used compassion and kindness with our mate even if it isn't returned?

What if instead of fighting to force someone to stay using guilt, threats, manipulation and control, we actually loved them enough to let them go, bless them and work on our own healing?

What if instead of thinking up new ways to get even, to taunt and to emotionally mar, we thought healing thoughts about our former mate whether we're the dumped or the dumpee?

What if instead of stewing on our anger and swallowing our own poison for days on end, we asked for the ability to forgive our former spouse and forgive ourselves?

What if instead of reacting to button pushing, we instead chose to see what was happening is truly a cry for love and understanding from our partner. That doesn't mean you have to go back or take them back but you instead understand and even if only in your mind, have compassion.

What if instead of arguing to be right, we instead sought to understand another has a need to go?

What if instead of wanting misery for our former spouse because they hurt us, we strove to find ourselves in a place where we want nothing but peace and happiness?

Do you know that if you can do these things, you will bring yourself peace and healing?

Relationships are our richest lessons in life. No matter what happens or how much it hurts, we learn and we grow. We should always seek to understand and see our own hand in our undoing. Maybe we were in denial; maybe we were blind due to psychological trauma in our past so we didn't see something bad coming our way. Those thoughts are intended to help you reach understanding, not promote self-loathing. All anyone can do in a situation is all they know how to do. We can claim common decency dictates otherwise or even an idiot would handle things better but that doesn't have anything to do with the fact that someone only does what they know how to do. I think that calls for compassion and forgiveness...and you know what? When you give that, you get it back 10-fold.

So, acknowledge your pain but pull your energy back inside to heal you...do what is best for you and try to minimize the harsh thoughts towards your former mate. If you can do this, you will heal and become whole again so much faster.

 

Words of wisdom from a member of the Divorce Support Forum.

Action vs. Inaction

We all become overwhelmed at times by things in our lives that are not quite the way we would like them to be. Maybe your husband has left you behind to raise children on your own and the stress of this is keeping you from focusing on a work project. Perhaps your ex is constantly trying to engage you in conflict and you put off dealing with him/her because you feel emotionally exhausted. Maybe you’ve decided that inaction is better at this time than action. You have become avoidant and only deal with things you know you can get through with very little stress.

The problem with living life this way is, you usually end up feeling more stressed out, overwhelmed and frustrated than you were feeling before. Rather than getting the job done, you are stuck and unable to move on to bigger and better things.

The stress and painful emotions experienced during a divorce can cause a person to feel helpless and out of control. Feeling helpless and out of control triggers inaction and avoidance. That is why, no matter how depressed or overwhelmed you are feeling it is important to remember that even the smallest action on your part can reap big rewards. Only by taking action can you shed the dread you feel and start contributing in a pro-active way to your emotional health.

So, I have a challenge for you. One that will help you see first hand the rewards of choosing to take action instead of becoming inactive.

Get Up And Get Going Challenge:

1. Make a list of 10 things that generate stress when you think about doing them. They don’t have to be huge tasks. You can start off slow and build up to the big stuff. The key is to choose things that cause you to feel stress on a regular basis.

2. Choose one item on your list that you are willing to work on and write down answers to the following questions:

• What will it take to get this done?
• Do I have what is needed to complete the task?
• If not, can I get what I need?
• How much time will the task take?
• Where can I get the support needed to get started?

3. After outlining the steps, you will need to take, schedule a time on your calendar to get started. If the task seems too overwhelming, break it down into steps or stages. Work on one step at a time until you have successfully finished the task. It may take you a few days, a few weeks or even a month.

The key is to take action. Overcoming depression and stressed out emotions and proving to yourself that you can handle those tasks that seem insurmountable is to choose action over inaction. It is the difference between staying stuck or moving on to a bigger, better life…not to mention how good you will feel about your abilities once you accomplish something that had you feeling so overwhelmed.

 

Dealing with an narcissist...

An email I recieved recently started me thinking about my own divorce and the divorces of others who have had to deal with a narcissist.

I refer to a narcissist as a "crazy maker." They and their behaviors will cause you to feel as if you are going crazy. You can look at this person who you once thought you knew so well, see first hand that their behavior is irrational and out of the norm yet, you question your own sanity.

I thought I would put this post together with a few suggestions on how to deal with the narcissist during divorce. These are a few things I learned from dealing with my own ex and his narcissistic tendencies.

Narcissists are bullys. They blame, they attack and at times act like a two year old throwing a tantrum. What do you do if your narcissist becomes verbally and emotionally abusive toward you?

You go tit for tat with him/her. If he/she calls you on the phone yelling at some injustice you have done them put them in their place. Sternly tell your narcissist that you will not listen to their venom.

If he threatens to take custody of the children or leave you penniless then threaten to take him/her for all he is worth. Tell him/her that you will request a court ordered psychiatric evaluation and you will make sure he/she never sees the children again.

You have to get down to the narcissist level to get through to him/her. If he/she points fingers and blames, you point fingers back and blame also. The biggest fear a narcissist lives with is a fear of abandonment. When he/she sees that you are not going to back down and roll over like a good, little doggy the narcissist will back down. He/she will run with his/her tail tucked between those legs.

The only problem is, the narcissist will return for more. He/she will eventually tire and retreat for good but, until then you have to be able to engage in battle.

On the other hand, you could ignore the narcissist. This is what eventually worked for me. I shut him out of my life, only dealt with him via my attorney or when in court and I got on with the business of living. Trying to rationalize with an irrational person was too energy draining for me. In the end I had to put my own emotional health and well-being above my desire to have a civil relationship with my ex and my desire to have a productive co-parenting relationship with him.

You have to make your own choice about how to deal with your narcissist. The only warning I have is to be aware of when you have had enough. Going tit for tat will eventually change the dynamics of the relationship. Only problem is, some narcissist take longer to back down than others. Don't hang in to the point that he/she gets the best of you.

Divorce and YouTube...

This was bound to happen at some point I suppose. I'm not going to judge but I will say that this seems to be a bizarre but rather effective way of getting revenge. If it is revenge you are interested in.

I do have to wonder how this video and public display of anger will help her down the road. We all have to get our angries out. It helps tremendously in the moment but if we aren't careful it sets us up for failure in the future. I hope this woman doesn't end up regretting the few moments of pleasure she felt from doing this video.

Visualization...

Below is a great technigue I learned in my early twenties. I was having panic attacks and needed help getting past the fear or, being able to face the fear I felt. The therapist I saw taught me this little trick which helped tremendously. I hope you will give it a try. If nothing else it is a great relaxation exercise.

Visualization is a simple but powerful technique that turns your goals from possible to probable. You need a quiet space where you can be alone for at least five minutes. This means no phones, no other people, no radio or television. Sit comfortably in this place and become aware of your breathing. Slow your rate of breathing down a little, without straining. Allow your eyes to close without effort. Select one goal or dream.  Still breathing slowly allow your eyes to look up behind closed lids. Imagine that you are looking at a television screen inside your head, between your eyes. See a picture of your chosen goal on that screen. If you would rather, you can imagine being in a cinema or theatre and looking at the screen or stage. Have fun making the image smaller, bigger, brighter, dimmer. Make it as colourful as you can, add more detail. Be very specific. Then, whilst you hold that ideal picture, say three times, “This or something better, is now coming my way”. Then, allow the picture to fade. Resume your normal pace of breathing. Allow your eyes to open. Sit quietly for another minute until you become aware of your surroundings. 

You will find that you have your own comfort level for using visualisation; it will be something between daily and weekly. Don’t worry if you find it difficult to visualise at first – like all other behaviours and skills, the more you use them the easier they become.

The most common reason for continued difficulty is fear. You may be deliberately blocking the visualisation for fear that you do not deserve what you visualise, that it will disappoint you when you get it, or even the fear that you will become selfish or greedy. If this happens, simply create affirmations to deal with your fear. The only way to create stagnation through fear is to confront it, to act to deal with it and then to ‘let it go’. When you are ready to look fully and deeply at the source of your fear it will lose its hold over you.

Allow yourself to grieve...

Following your divorce you need to go through a ‘grieving’ process. Your ex may not have died but the marriage has and you need some time to adjust. Several of the people I spoke to found it hard to adjust to being single again. Some dove into new relationships shortly after their divorce. Most of them regretted doing so. What they found was, one must heal and learn from the mistakes in their previous relationship before they can move on to a healthier relationship.

The following are some tips for helping you to adjust and move on.

Work out what went wrong in your previous marriage. The break up of a marriage is rarely completely one-sided. Be completely honest with yourself and own up to the mistakes you made. You can learn from these mistakes and ensure you don’t repeat them when you embark on a new relationship.

Don’t rush into another relationship. ‘Rebound’ relationships are almost always doomed to failure. Before you can love another person you need to learn to love yourself. 

Learn something new. Take up a new hobby, learn a new skill, continue your education. You will meet new people with whom you automatically have something in common.

Don’t develop a ‘victim’ mentality. Feelings of anger and bitterness are not helpful to you. Let them go. Writing your feelings down can help. Nan, whose marriage broke up after seven years, kept a journal; she found that writing her feelings down and reading them back later helped her deal with her emotions. Linda found that writing letters to her ex, expressing her feelings helped. She never sent the letters but they helped her to get her feelings off her chest.

Read positive/self-help books. My clients and people I spoke to in my research have said that the following books helped them. Feel the Fear and do it anyway – Susan Jeffers, Growing through Divorce – Jim Smoke, Coming Apart – Daphne Rose Kingman, Positive Affirmations – Louise Hay, Women who love too much – Robin Norwood, Men who hate women and the women who love them – Dr Susan Forward.

All the people I spoke to agreed it took time before they were ready to start dating again. The average seems to be two years. Two of the people I spoke to said that since their divorces they have met their ‘soul mate’ but this did not happen in either case until they had learned to love themselves.

Amanda was 31 when her marriage broke down after eight years, she met her new partner 18 months later. Although she was ‘mad about him’ she had difficulty committing to a relationship because she met him just as she was starting to enjoy being single. She says I remember thinking “why now – I’m just beginning to have a life I own”.

This just goes to prove that when we are enjoying our lives we attract people to us. People like people who are confident, positive and happy.

For those of you who have only recently separated/divorced please believe that things do get better. Life does go on and, in fact, often gets better. The biggest hurdle is learning to look after and love yourself. Start today by setting yourself one small goal – something that you can achieve easily and within a week. When you have achieved it celebrate and set yourself another goal. Before you know it you will be living a life you love.

What I do for you during the legal process of divorce...

I can teach you how to:

• Manage your emotions appropriately.
• Separate your thoughts from your feelings.
• Think through emotionally charged issues.
• Learn to talk about difficult problems in a businesslike manner.
• Set short and long-term goals for yourself, your children and your co-parenting relationship.

Conflict management, creative problem-solving, negotiation and productive communication are among the valuable life skills you can learn with my help. I can help you identify bad habits and problem areas in your relationship with your spouse and learn to communicate more productively. I can help you and your spouse focus more clearly on your individual goals and the positive changes that can come about as a result of your divorce.

If you are in need of assistance during the transition of divorce contact me for a free 30 minute consultation.

Divorce Coaching and Collaborative Divorce

Someone ask me recently what divorce coaching and collaborative divorce have in common. I gave them the reader's digest version of my answer and thought I would use this space to expand on what I feel the two have in common.

What we have in common is certainly stronger than potentially what may divide us.  Divorce lawyers are frequently working with clients who are at crossroads and unsure how to proceed... locked into doubt and uncertainty or impasse, frustrated and vulnerable... working towards decisions as to their future may be impeded by the high level of emotions in play.  A divorce coach can unlock that impasse for the client and assist them in moving forward into a changed role working through the paradigm shift.

Divorce coaching is a valuable support tool for clients and collaborative lawyers.  The skills and professionalism of the coach will enable the clients to make empowered decisions about their future, discarding any emotional baggage which is impeding the progress of the collaborative process.  One step forward for lawyers, in my opinion, might be to encourage divorce coaches to join your collaborative  practice group and learn a little more about how the two disciplines can work together to the benefit of our shared client base.

Dads and Divorce...

I found a great article in the Times Online...

A Chance To Shine

It is about newly divorced fathers and their stuggles with domesticity. You know, the what and how to be with your children as a single father. Tips for decorating, cooking, shopping and visitation. It is worth the read for both Moms and Dads. Dads will learn important things about making the transition from being a full-time parent to a non-custodial parent. Moms will gather some insights into what it feels like for the parent who has to go from full-time to the non-custodial parent. I can't imagine the heartbreak involved.

Pay attention...

 

Pay attention to how you feel. What do you think? Where do you want to go? Ask yourself how you are doing, and care about the answer. This is when your own life turns into artwork.

I haven't posted a blog message in over a month. Why? Because, I stopped paying attention to my needs and myself. I was focusing too much energy on all the irons I have in the fire and not enough on taking care of myself. As a result, I became ill. Over the last six weeks I've had a sinus infection, a kidney infection, broke two bones in my left foot and started drinking Pepto-Bismol like it was water. Stress is no friend of the tummy. My body was saying, "Hey you, slow down a bit!"

We all have a tendency to take care of people and things around us and shelve ourselves to deal with when things slow down. Us single mothers and fathers are especially bad about this. We are, after-all one heart doing the job of two. It is hard to give any of our heart to ourselves when so many around us seem to be more in need and, at times more deserving.

It is hard but not impossible!! So, I want anyone who is reading this to take a moment and ask yourself where do you want to go, ask yourself how you are doing and to stop and sincerely care about the answer because when we are as able to take care of our own needs is when life turns into artwork.

I'm feeling better, I'm in a place where I can look back over the last six weeks and see the sun over the horizon before me. I feel as if I've learned something important...to appreciate the good parts of my life and to focus my energies on the positive things. I've learned that I'm one person and can only do so much and there is no shame in knowing when to call it quits, to take some time for myself and let the rest go.

What about you, what place are you in? Are you paying attention? Take a moment today and take care of your needs. Do it for yourself and all those who love and depend on you.